Manipulations

I wrote about this briefly in my post Unrelenting Cruelty, but I wanted to provide more context about what I was experiencing at the time.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I was dealing with a serious medical condition that could have resulted in paralysis or even death. Following surgery, it was critical that I listen carefully to my body and monitor my recovery for

any complications. Instead of being able to focus solely on my health, I found myself in the impossible position of having to distinguish between legitimate pain from my injuries and distress caused by ongoing psychological manipulation.

At a time when I needed stability, support, and the ability to trust my own perceptions, I was confronted with behavior that seemed designed to make me question my sanity. I felt pressured to wonder whether my reactions were evidence of being schizophrenic, borderline, manic, or otherwise mentally unstable. Rather than allowing me to recover, these circumstances forced me to expend energy defending my own reality.

The result was dangerous. I worried that acknowledging legitimate medical concerns would be dismissed as overreacting, attention-seeking, or proof of some perceived psychological problem. I feared that if I spoke up about my health, it would be interpreted through a distorted narrative rather than treated as a legitimate medical issue. Looking back, it is difficult to understand why proving a particular story about my mental state seemed more important to some people than my actual well-being.

This was happening during a global pandemic—a period when many people were reevaluating their priorities, drawing closer to loved ones, and reflecting on what truly mattered. Yet I found myself fighting not only for my physical recovery but also for the right to be believed.

Today, I find myself facing similar challenges. This time, however, I have become reluctant to pursue additional medical intervention until I feel confident that the abusive dynamics that have affected my life are no longer present. My focus has been on improving my health, distancing myself from harmful influences, and building a peaceful future.

Before these experiences began, I lived a life centered on responsibility, achievement, and service. In high school, I was senior class president and yearbook editor-in-chief while also working a part-time job at sixteen and seventeen years old. Until my mid-twenties, there was no history of violence in my life. Around the age of twenty-four, I became entangled in a situation that I experienced as deeply destabilizing and psychologically damaging. It led to one of the most frightening periods of my life, and I have spent years trying to heal and move forward from it.

Since recognizing what I believed to be the purpose of the gaslighting and manipulation, I have worked diligently to remove myself from those circumstances. I have had no further incidents of violence, and I have repeatedly attempted to create distance between myself and the people and environments associated with those experiences. I have left the country on three separate occasions and successfully lived abroad for two years in an effort to rebuild my life and regain a sense of peace.

I am now thirty-six years old. I pay my own bills, support myself independently, and have made my own medical and legal decisions throughout this period of my life. This post is not an attempt to attack anyone. It is a statement of accountability and a record of my perspective.

I am trying to live a peaceful, healthy, and pain-free life. Yet I often feel that my ability to do so is constrained by narratives about me that portray me as unstable, psychotic, or violent. Meanwhile, I have genuine medical concerns that deserve my attention and energy.

This is my attempt to ensure that my voice is heard and that my wishes are clearly stated. I have repeatedly expressed that I do not want family members, former friends, or former romantic partners involved in my life. My goal is not conflict, retaliation, or control. My goal is simply to move forward, focus on my health, and live my life on my own terms.